Trying to do this essay, and my mind can't focus on the topic..i look and i look and then I get interested in something else..I just need to get it done..and it is taking me forever to get it done..i've missed 2 deadlines for it now..my last chance is tomorrow..and I don't even want to do that but I have to..
I keep trying to tell myself that its just one more essay..soon I'll be at Uni and be able to enjoy it and get input from other students, at the moment i'm just doing my own thing..
Sunday, 13 March 2011
Saturday, 12 March 2011
12/03/2010
I was thinking about what I woul tell a younger me if I had the chance to...and this is what I came up with...
Don't move to the U.K, if possible stay with my german grandma and sister and continue life over in germany...if I had to move to the U.K it would be to not lie..or steal..and the minute my step-dad were to hit me tell an adult or call the police..threaten him with that, tell him if he ever lays another finger on you or mum that you will call the police and that will get him in trouble with his superiors in the army..don't move...finish 6th form at secondary school, tell mum that you would rather stay here than have to start everything over again..ask for help with science and maths..if it be a tutor than do so..be happy in your own skin..don't let anyone tell you that you're not worth it..don't chase after boys..let them do the chasing..don't be a bully or let anyone bully you..keep things simple..don't crave material possessions, learn to save your money..and spend it on something that you really want in the end..learn to drive at 17 and stick at it..it will be hard and expensive but worth it in the end..go to Uni at 18, don't work and make a mess of things..and more importantly don't be afraid to fall in love and trust someone..it will be worth it!
Don't move to the U.K, if possible stay with my german grandma and sister and continue life over in germany...if I had to move to the U.K it would be to not lie..or steal..and the minute my step-dad were to hit me tell an adult or call the police..threaten him with that, tell him if he ever lays another finger on you or mum that you will call the police and that will get him in trouble with his superiors in the army..don't move...finish 6th form at secondary school, tell mum that you would rather stay here than have to start everything over again..ask for help with science and maths..if it be a tutor than do so..be happy in your own skin..don't let anyone tell you that you're not worth it..don't chase after boys..let them do the chasing..don't be a bully or let anyone bully you..keep things simple..don't crave material possessions, learn to save your money..and spend it on something that you really want in the end..learn to drive at 17 and stick at it..it will be hard and expensive but worth it in the end..go to Uni at 18, don't work and make a mess of things..and more importantly don't be afraid to fall in love and trust someone..it will be worth it!
Friday, 11 March 2011
11/03/2011
I was supposed to go into college today, but I was up late working on this stupid essay, that I didn't even finish in the end that I just slept till like 3ish today..I didn't send an email..or get in contact..I just want to curl up in bed and sleep..so thats what I did.
Everytime I don't have something to do my mind wonders over everything that I have done that I am not proud of...the stealing from shops..the fraud and using others peoples card and names for mobile phone contracts...the lying..everything..and most of it is greed! I just want what I want..and I will find a way of getting it! Once I have it, the thrill of it disappears and after a few weeks I want something else..something new and in a way I know why I think like that..it's partly down to my own mother..if she wanted something she would figure out a way of getting it..granted I don't think she ever did anything illegal..but she always got what she wanted..she lied..and she got it..she'd soon grow bored..but we were used to that, if it wasn't a different dog every few months, or constantly moving furniture, wanting a new car...tv..laptop..phone etc it all changed and she knew how to get it..I learned from her in that sense...and in another way if I couldn't find a legal way of getting what I wanted then I would automatically resort to getting it illegaly! That's just how I think..i'm on job seekers allowance its not exactly like I have money to spare..hell my electricity is due to run out as it is, and I have exactly £3 or £4 to put on the key again!
I don't want trouble, and I hate drama, I like it quiet but as soon as the police turn up and the shit hits the fan, I instantly want to blame everyone but myself, and in the end that's what I do, the solicitor shows up talks a little then I go home..no after care to stop it from happening again or someone to say lets see how we can help..nothing..I want to leave this all behind in september when I go to Uni....but what if I can't?
Everytime I don't have something to do my mind wonders over everything that I have done that I am not proud of...the stealing from shops..the fraud and using others peoples card and names for mobile phone contracts...the lying..everything..and most of it is greed! I just want what I want..and I will find a way of getting it! Once I have it, the thrill of it disappears and after a few weeks I want something else..something new and in a way I know why I think like that..it's partly down to my own mother..if she wanted something she would figure out a way of getting it..granted I don't think she ever did anything illegal..but she always got what she wanted..she lied..and she got it..she'd soon grow bored..but we were used to that, if it wasn't a different dog every few months, or constantly moving furniture, wanting a new car...tv..laptop..phone etc it all changed and she knew how to get it..I learned from her in that sense...and in another way if I couldn't find a legal way of getting what I wanted then I would automatically resort to getting it illegaly! That's just how I think..i'm on job seekers allowance its not exactly like I have money to spare..hell my electricity is due to run out as it is, and I have exactly £3 or £4 to put on the key again!
I don't want trouble, and I hate drama, I like it quiet but as soon as the police turn up and the shit hits the fan, I instantly want to blame everyone but myself, and in the end that's what I do, the solicitor shows up talks a little then I go home..no after care to stop it from happening again or someone to say lets see how we can help..nothing..I want to leave this all behind in september when I go to Uni....but what if I can't?
Thursday, 10 March 2011
Today - 10/03/2011
I woke up today exhausted...and as much as I prefer to be busy and then be able to sleep great on a night..I just wanted to pack it all in and stay in bed..but I didn't!
Instead I got up and went to college, I had to start a new maths course with a whole new group of people who already knew each other, and the first thing I did was judge everyone by just looking at them...I knew who I wouldn't talk to..who was going to be a pain in the arse. I didn't enjoy the class in itself and for some reason my nerves took over me and I continued to slag off all the tutors at college! I just wanted to feel part of the class already, instead of having to start over again...
College finished..and because I have no money I used an old bus ticket that I had messed the date up by wetting it and managed to get on the bus and get into town..where I continued to go to the shops and use a voucher a friend had given me for my birthday...i couldn't afford it all, so I swapped one of the tags with another item so that it would be cheaper..I don't know if that would be classed as stealing..I'm still paying for it just not as much as they want me to..
I'm home now, and I have a 1500 essay that needs to be in by 9pm and I just can't b arse...I have had a coffee and something to eat, but I still can't muster up the energy to get on with it..and it's already late..
Life is so complicated lately, and starting to fuck me off...so that's what I am going to use this blog for..whether you like it or not..I'm just going to put it all on here..and let it be!
Talk soon..
Instead I got up and went to college, I had to start a new maths course with a whole new group of people who already knew each other, and the first thing I did was judge everyone by just looking at them...I knew who I wouldn't talk to..who was going to be a pain in the arse. I didn't enjoy the class in itself and for some reason my nerves took over me and I continued to slag off all the tutors at college! I just wanted to feel part of the class already, instead of having to start over again...
College finished..and because I have no money I used an old bus ticket that I had messed the date up by wetting it and managed to get on the bus and get into town..where I continued to go to the shops and use a voucher a friend had given me for my birthday...i couldn't afford it all, so I swapped one of the tags with another item so that it would be cheaper..I don't know if that would be classed as stealing..I'm still paying for it just not as much as they want me to..
I'm home now, and I have a 1500 essay that needs to be in by 9pm and I just can't b arse...I have had a coffee and something to eat, but I still can't muster up the energy to get on with it..and it's already late..
Life is so complicated lately, and starting to fuck me off...so that's what I am going to use this blog for..whether you like it or not..I'm just going to put it all on here..and let it be!
Talk soon..
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